no really, it is!

Wow, I thought  I was going to have some random attack last night..Mom announced that come the spring weather that she would go and check out a few churches with me. Gleeful am I.

So now, I've got to seriously locate a church.  I've done the research....and there are many here that offer just more than stained glass windows, swinging cannisters and monotonous speech. Hey, if that is what floats your boat, then please I hope there is no offence taken..however I need more than that stuff.

I've visited many different types of Christian churches. Some of foreign language in the big city; some who were hot, on fire and a couple that were droning and quite flat. This weekend, I will take the plunge. 

Perhaps Mom will come too...

And so it is.....


when I decided to come back home to this place I knew that there would be some
'family' things I would need to deal with.

Things that are more subliminal, not anything physical. Clearly, when I decided to follow Christ I knew and remembered how this family of mine were.
I understand that the journey with the Lord is a long one. I know that there are many temptations and 'roadblocks' along the way. I also know this: old habits are surely hard to break.....
---I quesiton myself about how long it will take me to snap out of the shell that was created around me. How long I will let the world influence me and when I will listen to the word and the relationship that  I am building with God.
A person's family is what shapes and molds them into who they are. What influence that may be is not something that one can just 'choose'. Sometimes those influences are postive and sometimes they are negative. To get even more confusing, sometimes the negative ones really are learning lessons that we only see in retrospect.

Being here and being able to look at my family now, has produced some surprising feelings that I did not expect to learn. Perhaps surprising too are the things that I have learned about myself. My overall tolerance for certain things has definetly changed.  My perpective about the world has also been altered.
What is very frustrating is that I love them all so deeply..but they hate so much. No, they don't have anger towards me. In fact they smother me with affection and gifts. They possess such anger and the 'get them before they get you' attitude that I wonder how I ever grew up trusting and respecting others. Mom wasn't like this all that much, but the uncles' wife still is today. However, Mom is becoming just as like-minded. Another family member told me that yes, indeed my Mom was always this way, but I'd been away long enough to have dismissed this behaviour. and because I loved her and she was my main parental figure that I hadn't noticed it like I could from an outside source. Likely, this is the truth.
Chilling, isn't it? 

Now that I have returned I can see clearly now what I am not and what I am. Being so new in the spirit, how do I protect myself? So much negativity in this place. So much bitterness and angst. I feel like throwing a life preserver but fear it will be pushed to the bottom of the lake....what now?

Good thing I have my faith, otherwise things would look as bleek as they did before I got my faith.
Now, to find a church home here in the Friendly City. Oh, I know where they all are.
I grew up here, I know where the physical structures are.
But where do I find where I need to be? Over the last 2 years I have been going to different worship centres in the Big City so that I may gain insight as to the differences in my faith (there are sooo many, I had no idea!)
This challenge seems to be following me here to the hometown.
There is no bus service here on Sunday, unfortunately. I can walk to a few here that are relatively close by, but when Sunday comes, my feet never make it out the door. Does a fire need to be lit under my butt in order to get me going? Does a skirt or dress stay dry walking through two feet of snow/slush? What about the dress shoes? I know it's just getting there that matters to me. I have the want to go, I have the need to fellowship...why am I waiting?